“I met the love of my life’”, she said…

“Then I found out he was married.”

Tears welled in her eyes. My heart sank in an instant. I was in one moment elated for her and in the next, felt that hole in her gut. She put her hands on her stomach. “I felt like someone shot me with a canon.”

I could feel that emptiness.

I flashed back to three years ago when I reunited with my first love after my divorce. He slept in my bed. I lay there wrapped in his arms so grateful for his returned love. Only to wake up the next morning and have him tell me, “I’m with someone else.”

I thought I would never find another like him. And in this moment, I could feel this woman’s pain.

While heartbreak is never easy, it’s especially poignant over 50. I don’t know any over 50 woman who doesn’t wonder if she’ll end up alone. “It’s hard to meet people at this age,” she said. “I thought I had found the love of my life.”

How do you recover from this kind of hurt?

How do you not fall back into feeling like the victim?
How do you use this heartbreak to fuel your next, even greater, love?

Your first reaction may be to blame him.

The next is likely to blame yourself.

But take a step away from blame and ask, “How did I miss this? What were the betrayals in his words or behavior that gave this away and I missed it? Was it that I wanted so much to be in love with the love of my life that I buried my head in the sand and denied the signals?”

That’s what I did – for 25 years with my husband.

He flirted too much. He always commented to me on the looks of younger, attractive women. He had a porn addiction. He loved being the center of attention when women were around.

Yes, these were signs. Inside I even told myself that “you’re not paying attention, Deb, and one day this is going to come back to bite you.”

And it did. That one May evening when he “went out with friends.” I sniffed there was something wrong when I called his cell. I questioned, “Who are you with?” “Some guy friends.” He said. But there was no background noise in the car. “Who?” I asked. He hung up.

Then he shut off his phone. Did not return my calls all night and walked back through our door at 5am.

That was the beginning of the end. An ending that lasted three more years and another affair later.

What do you do after betrayal?
How do you learn to trust again?

The first step is to know it’s not about them. It’s not about blaming yourself either.

It’s not about taking blame. It’s about taking responsibility.

How did I miss the signals?
What within me allowed me to settle for less than I want and less than I deserve?
How did I fall in love with being in love and the feeling of being with someone and not with the man?

Darlin’ this is an internal journey and this is where the work starts.

Take a compassionate look at your patterns in relationships. Have you consistently attracted men who are not worthy of you, but you accept less because you don’t feel good enough?

Patterns in love are set very early in life. Born into this world a perfect being who has no issue asking for what she wants, you quickly learned that love was conditional. You had to earn it. And sometimes, well, you just weren’t “good enough.”

That unconscious “I’m not good enough” is where you need to start.

It’s also a journey that you can’t take alone – well, maybe you can, but it will take research, practice and dedication to bust through on your own. Most women who overcome under-deserving get help.

I got a kick-ass therapist and stayed with her for 3 years during and after my divorce. She wouldn’t let me hide out in my own stories any longer.

I also became a devout meditator and examiner of my thoughts. I learned how to up my deserve level in love and in all my relationships.

A friend once told me, “When you find yourself in the middle of a hurricane, it’s you who is in the center.”

It’s true. We attract our experiences to us. You can’t get more than you believe you deserve.

If you want better relationships. If you want a partner who is honest and true in his love and admiration of you, you need to be true in your love and admiration of yourself. You need to believe that true love is possible for you.

You also need to be smart. Don’t make excuses for him. If you see something, say something. I don’t care if you are 50, 59 or 65 or older. There IS a partner who is ideal for you – who will love you more than you have ever been loved before. But you first need to start with you.

Do you need to up your deserve level?

I will be speaking more about your “deserve level” in our Facebook Group through some live weekly sessions. Hop on over – it’s free and there is a great tribe of sisters there waiting to welcome you.

When you get there, post and say hi. Take our poll and let me know where you struggle most in finding the right relationship for you.

I’ve got your back. We can travel this road together.

Big love,