Do you know how to find the truth in your feelings?

“You’re a liar! It isn’t free. Remove me from your mailing list immediately!”

This was my first email of the day – I jumped!

ME? A liar?

Ruth was indignant. “OMG!” I thought. “What’s wrong?” I had the team check the links to the free training. Was everything operating with the page? Yes. Did the links get confused? No.

Ruth was incensed that I had somehow lied to her; tried to cheat her through a bait and switch into purchasing a training program. Instead, the truth was, Ruth didn’t click the ‘play’ button.

Where was her anger coming from? I began to wonder… and then I started spotting some patterns.

This new aggression – new anger – is starting to infiltrate my inbox on a fairly routine basis now that I am attracting larger numbers of subscribers each month… and sometimes I get comments on my Facebook ads too.

Without knowing me, or that honesty is my #1 value, women are jumping to all sorts of their own conclusions about me and my motivations.

And maybe this has happened to you too. Can you remember a time when someone accused you of something that you didn’t do, think or feel?

Or how about a time when you jumped to a conclusion about someone else – a family member, colleague, boss or even ex-husband  – and you were so incensed that they did this “How could they?” you think.

You begin to associate all kinds of motivations to their torture of you…

Sometimes this ruins relationships forever and certainly it can cause a significant amount of emotional pain.

But… instead of jumping to conclusions, feeling the victim and placing blame, ask yourself one simple question: “Is it true?”

This happened with a client yesterday. She’s a senior executive at a multinational firm and travels a lot. In the last two weeks she had been on eight flights.

What incensed her most was a request by her boss that she be at headquarters for a team meeting where she traveled 16 hours to get there to participate in a two-hour meeting.

“She puts pressure on me to be there in person.” my client said of her boss.

I asked her, “Is it true that she puts pressure on you?”

“No. I put pressure on myself to be there. I feel that I am the only one working overseas and I have to show up in person to team meetings. I don’t want to put my position in jeopardy.”

We then explore the truth in this situation, it’s not that my client’s boss is putting pressure on her to travel crazy distances and compromise her health (she’s got a fairly significant back issue), it’s that her pressure is internal.

When we explored the thought, she realized, it’s me who puts pressure on myself, and I’m not taking control and stating what I want in this situation. “It’s so freeing to think about it this way. It’s not about her, it’s about me!”

We get into trouble when we try to assign motivations, thoughts and feelings to another.

“Keep your side of the street clean” is a great lesson we can take away from the of AA play book.

Or as Byron Katie states it, “There’s your business, their business and god’s business.” Keep your head in your own business.

Stop judging what other people are doing or what is motivating their behavior or even their opinions of you. None of it is true!

Thoughts are things

There are several things that happen when you hold too tightly to your own thinking.

1. You create a distorted view of your own reality that prevents you from growing emotionally and spiritually. Consider Ruth – might she had learned something from the free eight-minute video had she only hit play? Would she then have found value in the $9 one-hour training that might have changed her experience in finding love? Maybe. But her beliefs kept her from that experience. In my client’s case, her beliefs would keep her on far more airplane flights than she would like or is healthy for her body. Instead, she can take control and state what is reasonable for her given the requirements of her position.

2. You attract more unwanted experiences to you. Beliefs gain momentum and energetically attract more of the experiences to you that you seek to avoid. Believing people are liars and trying to cheat you attracts more liars and cheaters into your life.

3. You steal time away from the good things in life. My client has an opportunity to be productive and effective in her job while traveling less – spending more time with her family and protecting her health. Taking control of your thoughts and feelings brings a sense of self worth and integrity. There is less stress and anxiety. Things tend to go in your favor.

4. You damage your best relationships. It’s impossible to have a close relationship with a family member, lover, friend, partner or boss if you are always thinking and feeling for them. Keep your side of the street clean. Allow others the room and respect to come to their own conclusions. Let them feel and behave the way they want. Your only job is to be clear on your own desires and feelings and to state them honestly, without blame. Everyone has their own power of choice.

These are the patterns to watch for. They are the patterns preventing you from that great love relationship, that fabulous career, that lifestyle that you most desire.

It’s not easy to re-pattern your thinking, but it is possible. All you need is the desire to change and the right tools to get there. 

Reach out to me or comment below if this has resonated with you.

Talk soon,