Looking for love in midlife isn’t easy. I remember well the days of “one and done” dates, being groped in a taxi by a short scorpio who looked nothing like his profile pic, and then dating a wonderful photographer who “couldn’t imagine being intimate with me.”

But… had I given up and shut down my profile and let nature take it’s course, it’s quite likely I would still be single now – two years later – instead of being in a relationship with THE love of my life.

There are times when you can get in your own way; and I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t call out some patterns I’ve been noticing in our Facebook Group.

And just a warning… this post may feel uncomfortable for you may decide you no longer want to be on my list. I respect that.

But if you are ready to find true love, I think you’ll listen. 

Pattern #1: It’s all about them

“All the men my age want younger women.”
“All the men I meet want a ‘nurse with a purse.’”
“They don’t read my profile.”
“All I meet are scammers and fakes.”

It feels better to blame the men. It’s not your fault that you are not finding love. The only men you meet online want younger women or a mommy nurse, or they are trying to steal something from you.

But…It’s not about the men.

Yes SOME men want to date younger women. SOME men want a woman to take care of them. And, SOME men are liars and cheats. But not ALL men.

When you classify men like this you create a story about why you are not finding love. Your story feels good, but it’s not true.

The real reason you are not finding love is due to other factors… Which I promise to reveal later.

Blaming other people will never make you happy and never make you grow.

-Tony Robbins

Pattern #2: It’s all about me

This story goes something like this…

“I’m too old.”
“I’m too fat.”
“I’m too smart.”
“I have a strong personality.”
“I’m too successful and confident.”

This is a false belief too. Your ideal partner won’t see any of this. He thinks you are at the perfect age, loves your brain and your body – thinks your confidence and success is totally sexy.

These beliefs keep you protected and very, very lonely. And the blame is hard to take. “It’s my fault  that I don’t have love. I need to do something to change myself on the outside until I’m ready to meet someone.”

But that day never comes does it?

You are what you believe. If you lack confidence or believe that you are not good enough, then that is the vibration you will project. You will attract men who are in alignment with how you see yourself. They will not be confident or feel they are not good enough and they will be a mirror reflecting that back to you.

They are not the men you want. You will blame them or blame online dating because it doesn’t work.

Change is an inside job. It’s about loving where you are, and if you can’t love it, do something about it.

“Life changes when you realize you are responsible for the events in your life.”

Pattern #3: If I improve my technique, I will meet better men

I’m sorry to say that this is not true either – at least not completely. Yes, every time you get online, you should be learning from your experience and adapting your skills so that you get better results. But jumping from one online dating site to another to see if you can improve your odds is not the answer.  I know women who are on three sites simultaneously and are still not having good luck.

It’s not online dating that is broken either. 37% of committed relationships actually met online.

BUT… online dating is not the only (or best) game in town. 63% of happily married couples say they met through a friend. I don’t know how many of those marriages happened for women over 40, however – likely very few.

The Hidden Truth? It’s all about your story

Your story is your protective barrier. It allows you to stay stuck in a pattern because… there is this thing happening that is outside of me that is beyond my control that is making it impossible for me to be successful in meeting someone to love me the way I want to be loved.

Your story is based on unconscious beliefs that you picked up along the road of life. They are not true, but they have become habitual, and they dictate your experience.

The sad truth is, most people won’t change unless they find themselves in tremendous pain. When the thought of being alone – of living life without ever experiencing true love – hurts like hell, then will you be motivated to change your patterns?

I hope it doesn’t come to that.

What I know to be true from my own journey and from the women I coach, If you want a different experience in love, change your story.

“The past does not equal the future unless you live there.”

It’s not about shame or blame. It’s not about what you “should” do. It’s about what you MUST do. You are meant to be loved. You are meant to be cherished. You are meant to have so much joy, you pinch yourself everyday to be sure it’s real.

You are in control. Only you can change you.

It takes a commitment to eliminate your limiting patterns and to create a new, empowering pattern until they become habit.

Everything you want in a relationship is waiting just outside of your door. Will you get out of your own way so that door can open?

“You are more than the concepts you have given yourself.”

Deep love,