How To Find And Keep A Real Man

Looking for a real man?

Here are four skills every divorced woman over 40 needs to master

One of my clients is a divorced woman over 50 and she’s trying to wrap her head around how find true love. At 51, she’s cultured, ivy educated and well off financially. Her biggest challenge? Rediscovering herself as a woman so she can find a real man.

“I’m trying to understand the protocol here… all my friends say there are no good guys online. I’m feeling creepy about it too, but I’m not figuring out another strategy where I might meet someone who I actually want to date.”

“First, you’re going to have to get out of this masculine head of yours and steep yourself in what it means to be a real woman.” I said. “Your ex was not engaged as a man. You didn’t have sex for six years and you ran the show. To meet a real man, someone who has your back, who turns you on and is solid and grounded in himself and his worth, you need to be a real woman.”

After 20 years, it was she who decided to end her sexless marriage and reclaim her body’s right to be loved. But coming out of a marriage that was in essence a business partnership, left her searching for her identity as a woman.

“When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel sensual, sexy, attractive? How do you nurture your feminine side?” I asked “To find a REAL man – one who is grounded in his masculinity and power, you need to first be a REAL woman.”

Women who have too much masculine energy attract men who want that like a magnet. Men like that usually want one of two things – to be taken care of (be my mommy) or a sparring partner in the never-ending quest for power.

To find a man who will put his hand on the small of your back as you walk down the street, open your car door, and never walk ahead of you, you need to be a real woman.

A real man will call you every day, always have your back, and call you ‘baby’ (which actually makes you melt no matter how independent you are). There’s no need to wonder what he wants or how he feels, for he holds nothing back when expressing his love. “You mean everything to me darling. I’m just such a lucky guy to have you in my life.” Yes. A real man says that.

“I don’t know the first thing about nurturing my feminine side.” My client confesses to me on the phone. “Relax,” I say. “This is why we are going to go through this together and here’s what you need to do…”

Four feminine mastery skills every woman needs to learn to find a real man:

1. Love your body

The first stop in being more of a woman is to dress like one.  Turn in the t-shirts and Bermuda shorts, the crew neck cable knit cashmeres, business suits and ‘ladies who lunch” dresses.

Get yourself a good stylist who can help you show off your assets – try a “goddess dress” one with ruched sides and a cowl neck. Show off your shoulders (men LOVE shoulders). Highlight your hips or your long neck.

But stop short of letting all your junk hang out. Kim Kardashian you’re not (thank god!) And wearing outfits that scream ‘sex’ on a first date is not the impression you want to make.

Find one new date outfit that makes you feel drop dead gorgeous. Wear that to all of your first dates.

If you’ve overdeveloped your analytical and planning side, you now need to make a real effort to get in touch with the sensual you. She’s in there, I guarantee you – we just need to coax her out with some TLC

Admire your body – get naked in front of the mirror. Love your curves, your breasts, your neck and hips. (Men LOVE curves!) Notice how you have “all the right junk in all the right places.”

Give yourself a body massage with scented oils at least once a week. Get an exotic body scrub and spend time prepping and pampering yourself – even if you’re only heading out to the store or dinner with the girls, practice feeling sexy in your skin.

2. Turn yourself on

For my client, it was time to feel like a real woman in the bedroom. Without a partner to play with, it’s time for her to get playing with herself.

The bedroom is a playroom when you are with the right man and just like you work out at the gym, your bedroom workout will get you in prime shape for your next lover.

The phrase “use it or lose it” couldn’t be more true when it comes to a juicy “vajayjay.” Get a toy, use your hand, and get to know your clitoris and what pleases her most… find your own g-spot (after all, you’ll be giving him instructions later on how to most please you). Talking is key to any successful relationship – especially in the bedroom.

3. Learn to follow

To get a man who makes you feel like a woman, you need to learn to follow and stop taking control. Let him do the heavy lifting – around the house, and in making the extra effort for the two of you to be together.  Let him pick up the check, open the door and take you to bed.

When he’s excited by a new project and you see a better way to do it, bite your tongue and wait to be asked. This is his journey, not yours. It’s not about stifling your opinions, but if it feels like a constant barrage of “I’ve got a better idea,” you’ll eventually take the wind out of his sails and he’ll begin to see you more as a friend and advisor than a lover.

Start letting go. Take dance lessons. Explore tantric sex – get a book, take a workshop, learn how to integrate sex as a spiritual practice… this can heighten your pleasure with your partner even further and assure him that with you by his side, he need never want for another.

4. Magnetize your attraction factor

Now that you are connected with your inner goddess, let’s manifest this man – the king to your queen, the warrior to your goddess. Where is he? How do you meet?

If you have been on a series of “one and done” dates or been in and out of short-term relationships that have gone nowhere, or if you are getting back into the dating scene for the first time, the last thing you want to do is waste time with the wrong guys.

Get smart about how to master online dating. Learn how to create a killer online dating profile – one that not only talks about who you are and what you want, but paints a picture of your life together so he can see himself in your story.

Turn on all the powers of the law of attraction and get them on your side. Daydream about your guy. Journal out all of the great times you are having with him. What you find hot about this man and how you feel when you are with him.

“As we’ve moved into an era where we’re no longer looking for a spouse for financial support and physical security, we’re looking for a spouse, a partner in life, who can provide a level of emotional fulfillment that will sustain our own self-actualization, our authentic expression of who we are.” Dr. John Gray

Lean in to your feminine power and attract the man of your dreams.